Not another New Year's Resolution

Remember me telling you I spent years in the bar and restaurant industry?  Decades actually.  For those of you that don't already know it.

New Year's Eve is a joke

A cash grab of high expectations, over marketing, over pricing, incredible inconvenience and undue pressure on any and all involved.  Trust me, I was one of the ones that built the parties and created the hype that made you think you needed a new dress, hair done, a date AND a two or three hundred dollar ticket to ring in the new year.

And then! Everyone makes resolutions that considering the time of year and the last two weeks of indulgence makes them very hard to keep. The concept is not built to be effective and often results in feelings of failure when one doesn't succeed. All things that do not make NYE a friend to those with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Ugh, this wasn't meant to be a rant about New Years. 

This was meant to be 'If you INSIST on making a resolution, make this one' speech. 

Start a gratitude journal.
Start today.

Keep it by your bed or by the coffee maker or in the bathroom.
Just start one and write in it.
Do it, because I said so.

Wanna know why?

Because I think it's the best psychological  tool I have in my SAD sack. Swear.
I started mine a couple summers ago, (I know, that's not new years, sue me) when there was no sight of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the glass is always half full.  Gratitude could flow from me and it's easy to appreciate my charmed life.

The best part of my gratitude journal is reading it when I'm in a SAD funk. When I hate my life and the world I live in and wish that I don't wake up in the morning (I'm not exaggerating, there really are days like this)
The journal reminds me of the 'other' me. The real me. It is the light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not the proverbial train)  In I was reading it this morning, and found an entry from last February.

"I am grateful that I took the time in days past to make all these observances of a wonderful world. The me of today thanks the me of yesterday very, very much"  Pretty sweet eh?

That's it. A little book, with all your happy thoughts.
Not another resolution - a way of life. (no pun intended, but I'll take it)

All the best to you and yours in 2012

Practice what you preach

While yammering on the phone with my Bestie yesterday...hmm let me rephrase that.
While on the phone with my Bestie yesterday and bitching about this, that and everything else.
Two things happened.
1) I realized I was well into a downward spiral
and
2) It appears I am very funny while in that (this) place, as she puts it "you should have your own radio show when you're moodin' like this."

Awesome. *shaking head*
The phrase "can't win for loosin" screams across my thoughts.

I haven't worked out over a week.

8 days actually. 

8 fucking days. 

I'm an idiot. 

I know, I know.  I talk a good game, but the fucking holidays and traveling, and house guests and and and excuse excuse excuse.

Then it snowed and dropped to -16C  UGH

The glass is half empty, everyone is either stupid or an asshole or a stupid asshole, nothing is reasonable and my poor Dood just doesn't know what to do.   I'm days away from a crash and burn, self medicating mess on the couch. (and NO I am NOT p.m.s.ing)

*shaking head*  8 fucking days - I really am an idiot sometimes. *exhale*

The good news is, that even after my fair share of last nights bottle of wine, there was 50 minutes of cardio this morning and if I get another 45-50 in later today, maybe I can nip this in the bud. 

And if I can't, anyone know how to get into radio?

Forget the Sappy Chick Flick

Chick flicks breed depression.

It's true.

I said so. 

Miserable ugh-i-hate-my-life-when-is-something-good-going-to-happen-to-me kind of depression. And if you think  relaxing with a glass of wine, watching a sappy movie is 'comforting' think again. Double whammy depression between movie and wine...in fact don't be surprised if you finish the bottle and cry yourself to sleep.

I avoid 'romantic comedies' as I would a close-talker with bad breath.

Surfer movies is where it's at 

(and/or movies filmed in Hawaii, or tropics or heck anywhere where it's green,blue & warm)

It's true.

I said so.

Trade in that unattainable plot of sappy chick flick for a 'you can do it, look how awesome nature is, lookit those negative ions, all that sun, sand and blue sky movie.
Sounds much better already doesn't it?

I figure (read: logically deduce) that there is something going on with the visuals that trigger some sort of happiness hormone(?) in my noggin'. Or, perhaps, just the visual reminder that there is sunshine in the world, it's just not 'here'. I'm pretty sure that the plot has little to do with it as I find I'm watching the scenery as opposed to actually getting into the movie.
I know - this provides the room for argument that a chick flick set in hawaii will work mood magic...but...I highly doubt it. I won't be the one to do the experiment. Feel free and let me know how it goes.

I have a small library of go-to movies that fit the feel-better need.  I invite you, fellow SAD sufferer (SADufer?) to  try one or two on for size.  At the very least, you will discover great places to vacation.

Try and tell me you don't feel better after watching this!  

More -

Blue Crush (1&2)
Flow - The Story of a Surfing Revolution
Five Summer Stories
and of course Endless Summer

others with great tropic scenery..
(i know, some edge on chick flick, but I argue a predominate male lead, negates the chickness)

50 First Dates
Tropic Thunder
Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
The Beach 
Finding Nemo


Embrace your inner surfer - Find a surf movie or two for you

Hang Loose I say. Hang Loose

The PGX Experiment

A little bit of personal background on me.
I'm fascinated with human machine. It's design, it's use, its commonalities and differences. It's natural mutations, for both perceived 'good' and 'bad'. The maintenance of the machine and its control panel (body and brain) are all in my realm of knowledge. In fact at one point, I was a certified fitness instructor and I am still a bona fide geek.

 I am a font of useful physiological information.

 I am also somewhat lazy.

I am the proud owner of a metabolism that runs like molasses in January AND I suffer from SAD - so though I'm smart enough to know what the machine needs, the control panel often overrides and self medicating on the couch is not an uncommon event during the winter months.

Ugh - It's enough to make me hate myself (or at least my machine) during the dismal days of effin winter.
(I did at one point 'run-away' from winter to a sub-tropical isle, but that's another story, and we'll get to that sooner or later)

So, with that said.
A lot of things I've got in my SAD Sack-o-tools are results of experiments conducted by me, to my machine, by deducing similarities in physiological results and reactions either due to Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression, emotional changes, physical side effects of diet, supplements and external factors.

I also am NOT a fan of popping a pharmaceutical 'solution' - I believe that in many cases they cause more harm than good. (In a winter of desperation, I did try a little helper by the name of Prozac. It was not my friend, it did not help and we can talk about that later)

Now, back on point.
This winter has a new experiment, that seems to be going quite well. I need to do more research and actually need to follow through until March, but so far, so good.

While pedaling my way to endorphin  happiness I spied fitness guru Kathy Smith (love her) on Breakfast Television talking about her book and various other things.   She simply mentioned PGX.  I Googled.

Turned out that PGX as a weight management supplement could and should (in my opinion) help with some of the seasonal side effects from SAD.  The carb craving, desire to over eat, sugar imbalances and thus mood imbalances, could all be helped by PGX. I read on, there were no stimulants, it was high in fibre, invented in Canada (this meant a lot to me), and all in all had few side effects and regardless if it produced weightloss, In my opinion should help with my SAD.
So, I bought some.
I am pretty sure it's working.   I sure don't seem to have the mood highs and lows (GI fluctuation, carb binging, sugar spike shitness of winter). In fact, my internal demon which repeats "I want bread, I want potatoes" is silent. Honest.

It could be placebo effect,

But I don't think so. 

The machine is behaving differently

Control panel diagnostics say so

My experiment will continue, I'll keep you posted. 

I'm also going to contact PGX to see what they know. 

Now for the record. I am NOT taking PGX with hopes of weight loss. I AM taking PGX to see if I can avoid the usual weight gain that comes with my ESS.AYE.DEE.

One down, one to go

I wish Christmas was in the summer. For real. It would make more sense, after all Jesus was born in July or something like that. I understand the want to celebrate and gather during the short days and the long standing traditions of winter solstice (I'm not gearing up for a theological discussion, in fact it's the LAST thing I want to discuss) 

But it would be awesome for me if Christmas was in July.

The gatherings of friends and family kick crap out of me, the SAD seems to suck 3 times as much energy just to be social, let alone entertaining. inquisitive and um.. nice.

It would be straight truth for me to say, I would rather stay home and putter than force myself to these gatherings. If friends or family read this, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. It's not about you. 

Regardless, I muster the momentum and follow the smell of turkey and remind myself of the 'rules' the whole way there.  

For you, fellow sufferer, et me recap.

Alcohol this time of year is BAD - have very little - (a glass with dinner should suffice)

Mash potatoes, buns, stuffing - BAD - have little to none, (I ALWAYS cave with the stuffing and gravy, but hey, it's stuffing and gravy)

Sweet treats - ya, those are BAD too - just starts the sugar/mood coaster.  

(In theory PGX should help all this 'wrong' intake, but I'm not ready to experiment with the machine this year, I don`t feel like using the hard way to finding out where the limits exist)

Bed Early - a few late nights can really, really wrench the system, so careful. Tying to pull yourself out of the funk in January is a true bitch of a job

Take your vitamins - simple rule, just follow it

Exercise - I know, I know, hard to do when away from home and with many gyms being closed, but get creative. (I find this to always be the hardest to accomplish and will admit, my batting average is very, very low)  I try to be sure and meditate instead - meditate on a visual of a tropical beach with the sun and the sand.  *shrugs* it works.

There, that`s the end of my lecture.

Luck to you and Merry Christmas.

Now pass the turkey.

**oh while cruising some other blogs - I came across this http://fightingthedarkness.blogspot.com/2011/12/fighting-stress.html

She does a great job of detailing the sugar affects. 

MMMM Vitamin Barf

I've got an arsenal of vitamins and supplements in my

  SAD Sack-o-tools 

The ever so precious Vitamin D
B complex (mood adjuster)
An awesome multi-vitamin 
Fish oil (cause it's good for me, and you)
Milk Thistle (for the 'self medicating' days)
Glucosamine with MSM (this I try and take all year, that could explain the absence of joint issues)

This winter I'm trying something new. I added PGX to the mix to see if I can keep the carb and 'always hungries' away.  So yes, another experiment with 'the machine'  I'll fill you in in a post or two. (so far, so good!!)

3 of the first, 1 of the second, 2 of the third and forth, 2 Gluco and now 2 or 3 PGX (3x a day) and then a milk thistle or two if needed.
This morning - as I type this - I'm looking at 11 pills to be taken in the very near future.
And though I know they're good for me and they do wonders for my state of mind

I am always a little trepidatious.

There is always the chance of the dreaded Vitamin Burps and then every once in a while there is total vitamin revolt.

Vitamin Barf happens

Yesterday, there was Vitamin Barf - MMMMM awesome. So for those of you who have never experienced this, let me share.  Often with such a large selection of vitamins there will be a couple or three vitamin burps, a lovely kickback that smells and tastes like ick, but it's par for the course and seldom creates an issue.

Vitamin barf on the other hand drives me nuts. There's no rhyme or reason. I've systematically repeated conditions to see if I could MAKE it happen and nothing happens. Daily I ensure there is both water and absorbent(s) (aka food) in my belly. And I never take them in one big handful. In theory all systems should be go.

But holy shit - when they want to kick back, one has about 3 breaths to get to some form of receptacle.

First Breath "hmm something doesn't feel right in there"

Second Breath "just breathe deep, it will pass"

Third Breath "ruh-oh there's that 'mouth' feeling"

By now - I'm on the move

and out it comes. 

The crappiest part. Looking in the bowl and thinking, 'goddam, I have to take ALL those again'. *sigh* 

I do suppose there is good news, I've never had a case of the double barf....

(now see that: if it wasn't for the SAD sack-o-tools - that last sentence would not exist - there would only be the 'glass half empty version and the world would be ending)  

Sleepy Sleeperson

Early to bed

Early to rise

Keeps me, from punching you,

Right between the eyes.

Just kidding.
Sorta.

With a long history of working in restaurants, bars and nightclubs I developed, not surprisingly, the habits of a night owl. In hindsight, (that's always 20/20 ya know) I think living that night life may have kept some of my SAD symptoms at bay. By living and working a fast paced life in the dinner and club hours, my machine may not have known the days were dreary and dark, and when the long nights were at their peak, I was smack dab in the middle of the busy season, holiday parties, huge reservations and the ever popular, New Years Eve.
 I was also probably (ahem) unknowingly self-medicating with alcohol under the guise of the holiday spirit.
Alas
Those night owl days are no longer.
And those hours, without the lifestyle, do not do anyone with SAD any favours. In other words, being a nightowl with a couple to three drinks every night does not a grown up make.

It was by luck that I discovered the early to bed rule.
A work/life obstacle  necessitated me to rise at 5 - 5:30 for a couple weeks to get all chores crossed off the list...well low and behold if I didn't actually feel better, less tired (same amount of sleep) better mood (like NOT wanting to put a bullet in my head) and fewer carb cravings, and the only thing different in my routine/regimen/religion was my sleep time. Bed by 9 - 9:30 and up EARLY (4 -4:30 was common)

So

I stuck with it. Until April-ish and then resumed my usual nighthawkish ways.

The next year (2010) I implemented the early bed - early rise schedule at the end of October. And wouldn't you know the doom n gloom demon stayed away. Sing it with me - - "Awe-some"
(until my whole routine fell apart in late January, then, so did I...but that was last year. Never backwards, always forwards)

This winter the rule is in effect, and I do notice if I sway too much away from it then I start feeling lousy (read: I hate my life) and quickly get back on track.
I've been trying to find some scientific research that helps explain/reason this Tool in my SAD Sack - but nothing has surfaced as of yet.  Instinct says I'm playing a trick on my brain by bookending the short days with night - but there are flaws in the theory -
If I come across some hard proof, I'll be sure to share the link, but for now...perhaps just give it a try for a couple weeks and let me know what you think.

Hip Hip Hooray, it's the Shortest Day

There's not many things that I can get excited about during this time of year.
I always feel so lousy for Christmas and New Years that spending the holidays on my couch, watching surfer movies and surrendering to the un-social side of SAD would be my preference. However, friends and family tend to not entertain this (my) holiday 'tude, and insist I make appearances regardless of my mood.  Making me sometimes wonder if they're all slightly masochistic.

Regardless.
I do get excited about today.
Today is MY Christmas
Today is MY New Year's Eve
Today

is the shortest day of the year.

Meaning -
Tomorrow the days start getting longer.
*exhale*
Awesome.(zero sarcasm)
Today I will walk around with a Mona Lisa smile and know that I made it this far and therefore I can make it the rest of the way out of this winter.

The Cardio Code

Lazy, lethargic, miserable, apathetic, unsocial, passionless and just plain old blechity-bleck-blah.
No desire to work, play or otherwise.
It's an awesome existence, and for those of you who missed it, that  - was complete sarcasm.

If someone told me I could pick one, and just one, of the tools in my SAD sack, Cardio would be it.
Vitamin D is a god-send and it's hard to imagine winter without it, BUT, a winter without any form of cardio would literally be hell-froze over.

Remember all those 'lovely attributes' of Seasonal Affective Disorder, well, I've found that one of the best prescriptions against said attributes, is cardio. And not a leisurely stroll on a treadmill, I'm talkin bout 40-60 minutes of working it and SWEATING - - Every Day.  Yup, every single day.

Now I understand that this could pertain to just me, but I have a feeling it will ring true with more than one of my fellow sufferers. If routine and patterns are my winter friend, then taking a break for a day or two from the cardio, just starts a crap shoot as to what the next day will unfold. So, I chose not to gamble with my sanity and simply find the time (heck who wants to go outside anyways) to work out for at least an hour.  One of the biggest benefits to this chore is the endorphin rush. (insert angels singing) - it kicks the miserable 'tude, the dark and gloomy thoughts, and malaise to the curb and literally lets life shine through.

I know an hour may seem like much to some, but I tried 20 minutes everyday and it didn't work. I upped it to 30, ya, good, but...that pesky 'darkness' peeked through.  40 minutes seemed to be the magic number, 40 and sweat. Sweat meant my heart rate was up and the endorphin was pumping.
(If I remember correctly, one begins to experience an 'endorphin rush' on average, after 20 minutes of moderate (sweating) exercise)  The way I see it, the 20minutes AFTER my endorphins start, are the magic minutes, so sometimes I get 'greedy' (not the right word) and go for another 10 or 15, but heck it's not hurting anyone.

It keeps the demons at bay. 

It combats the fatigue, the pms, the weight gain, the cravings, the depression and for me the dark thoughts. It helps with my productivity, my concentration and my overall health. It IS a Cardio Code. 

The hardest part is starting the everyday routine, especially with everything that works against a SADist (err SADite), I try and start in September, work myself up to it, if you know what I mean. If it 3 weeks to form a habit, then with luck I'm ready when the short days and cold weather hits. 

(For the record - the key word is TRY. It's usually late when I start and my friends and family have to 'remind' me to get crackin)