Purge it all Crazy Lady - Purge it all

I have the luxury of working from home when I want.
My co-workers also have the luxury of me working from home when I should.

SAD can make me a little (ahem) grouchy. 

Yesterday I was diligently plugging away at my to do list when I felt the anxiety start to creep in.

SAD can also make me a little (ahem) anxious* 

I ignored it as long as I could and then the next thing you know, I'm outta my chair, I'm looking at all the storage containers in the kitchen cupboard. "Oh ya, there is WAY too much of that!" me thinks. So I purge and pare down, into a box it goes.
Realizing I'm supposed to be working...I plunk myself back down to get some stuff done.

Next thing I know  I'm looking at all the books the bookshelf, "Oh, for pete's sake, if I haven't read this by now...and what the hell am I keeping this for?"  Dozens of books are boxed.
Again, back to my desk, where I think I'm working until I realize I'm sorting through my 'hold all' bowls and launching things (probably important) into the garbage.

Work was not going to happen. So I surrendered.

The Pantry - "why do I keep this pot/pan/cookie sheet?"
The stacks of magazines - casualty
The extending shoe rack - gone
The back door mats - tossed
The extra, extra spare linens - bye bye
Kitchen drawers, bathroom cabinet, dresser drawers and living room hiding spots all filtered and purged.
A pair of bedside tables, mongo serving dishes, hats, slippers, clothes and candlesticks -
All boxed and bagged up and sent to new homes.



I left the house when my nutjob-self starting eyeing up my most awesome shoe collection

Not today Crazy Lady, 

not today. 

*often, my cure for this anxiety is to get rid of clutter or visual mess. the good news hoarding will never be an issue.

And from out of nowhere....

There's a lot of shit information out there about SAD.  Like a LOT.
Tis the time of year that Seasonal Affective Disorder gets attention in the media and ding-dong journalists fill their required space with malarky, half-truths and every once and a while a few correct facts will make it through the cracks.

Hmm - - that's not where I thought this post was going - but what the heck - lets run with it.

SAD is not a mood. It's not a 'snap out of it' situation.

 There are times when I want to pummel those that are just trying to help with their cheery advice. For the record. a fucking pedicure does not make everything better!  Your toes are prettier (which is always good) but your head is still all fuct up.

Holiday blues, seasonal blues and winter blues are not the same effin thing. 

SAD is full blown depression. An annual depression that you can almost date on the calendar in other words it's like being tied to the damn tracks and you can see the train a comin'.  

Though I personally don't like, like, really don't like, being cold,

  cold temperatures are not a cause of SAD. 

 It's the lack of light. In my case, thinking the cold was a depression factor, I even moved countries to try and escape it. And one gloomy subtropical winter and low and behold SAD symptoms appeared  (granted it was short lived *sigh* I miss flowers in February).

It's not new, it's not a fad

and it's not a cake walk -  It got a name in the early 80's but it's been observed  medically for at least 100years.

It is not a whiney woman thing. 

And I'll boy-punch anyone who says so.  It does seem to affect more women then men BUT - I THINK there are two reasons for this  One, women tend to admit how their feeling and Two we are the lucky recipients of PMS - which thanks to SAD tends to get worse in the winter and therefore more pronounced symptoms and side effects (sounds great doesn't it)   My Dad has Seasonal Affective Disorder. He hates to admit it and would be pissed at me for saying so, but I know it when I see it, and I grew up in the house.... (at this point you should feel sorry, very sorry, for my mother with 2 miserable winterists in the house - Christmas was/is a joyride)

For those of you who think it's nothing to worry about - - if you have ever observed your own thoughts, or experienced the 'where did that come from' mental aftershocks, when a concept of  "drive into that pole and it all goes away"  goes screaming through your thoughts - then you know what I'm talking about.  If you haven't, well... you are just going to have to trust me,

it's disturbing, unpleasant and shakes your foundations

Regardless of how cognizant you are of your sub-conscience actions, it is unsettling to have your brain be the aforementioned runaway train that suggests ending it all.   (This is where my extreme empathy kicks in for those with bipolar and extended depression issues)


Ok I think I exhausted myself.
I haven't got the steam to continue ranting about the stupidity of the media and half-ass journalists. How about I just round it out to a check your fucking facts people.

check.

 your.

 fucking.

 facts. 

It really sucks to be friends with me; sometimes.

I have some pretty kick ass friends.  Many have been in my life for close to twenty years.

I am lucky and I know it.  

There are times where not only do I know I'm a handful - but I often wonder WHY they put up with me.

One of my Besties has a birthday in January.
Actually in a couple days from writing this.
She lives two hours away in this great town, with a great family and a great house that is always welcoming, full of laughter, friends, food and fun.  I love being there and would stay forever if I could.

Unfortunately *sigh* I am always a mental mess for her birthday. Always. I hate it.

I feel like such a loser-asshole-waste of skin when I can't muster enough energy, emotion and effort to get in my damn car and visit her and all her wonderfulness.  

I bailed out of her 40th birthday. (Oh trust me, I know I'm an asshole)
My head couldn't do the drive, the party, the people, the whole shooting match.
I just.   Couldn't.    Do it.

People don't understand this.
I've tried to explain. At length. They just don't get it.
So I blamed by bailing on lack of funds. (this was true, just not the whole truth)

She text me yesterday and asked if I was coming to visit this weekend.

Every seasonally defected ounce of me wanted to find an excuse, make a date with my couch and let the chips fall where they may.
I told you, (sometimes) it sucks to be friends with me.

I didn't.
I said I would be there.
I will be.

Seasonal Defectiveness and all

O Demon Alcohol

On more than one occasion I have referred to 'self medicating on the couch'. For those of you that can't read between the lines and all the references to wine, let me be a little more clear. 

I drown my seasonal sorrows, 

I saddle up to my friend called Vino,

I embrace my old habits and give (dive) into a bottle of preferred Pinot Grigio. 

Yup.  I do. 

Sometimes it is the only thing that makes the miserable blahness go away.   And I don't care what anyone else thinks, they are not the ones observing the thought that screams across my brain that suggests driving into a post is a good idea.  (I observe these thoughts, I don't act on them, but they are disturbing nonetheless) 

I know that alcohol is a depressant and counter productive to my mindset. I know.  

I know that one bottle a week is not in the dangerous levels of 'self help'

I know that the bottle EVERY night of the week is  dangerous and thank goodness those 'self help' days are over, they were dark!

The gloomy truth that I have been afraid to admit to many, is that when I first came back to my Canadian home, after spending many years in a winterless sub-tropical climate, the SAD gripped me hard. VERY hard. It was a bad scene in my head and I turned into a self-medicating mess.  Awesome.  (yup, sarcasm) The scary part is, I must have hid it pretty well, or no one actually cared, because I think if they would have known, it would have been an intervention for sure.

Man, that seems like a long time ago. Regardless of the extra weight all that alcohol caused (that I can't get rid of) I am still pretty happy to have survived it. Seriously.  It has lead me to do the occasional research on the co-relation between SAD, alcohol, Vitamin D, and other external factors, and I have found an interesting thread between it all, or maybe not a thread, maybe more 

like a vicious antagonizing chain reaction.   

Things like this:

Seasonal Affective Disorder and alcohol appear to go hand in hand (duh! it took a team of scientists to figure that out?) 

PMS gets worse in the winter for SAD sufferers > really bad PMS can trigger alcohol CRAVINGS > alcohol processing depletes your machine of important vitamins including Vitamin D > low vitamin D may increase feelings of depression 

alcohol processing can and often stimulate the desire for carbs and fatty foods > carbs and the alcohol mess with your blood sugar > blood sugar fluctuations can affect mood >  SAD(ists) do NOT need any more 'help' with mood fluctuations > carbs > blood sugar > mood > alcohol and so on

there is this weird 'window' when alcohol cravings are at a peak > a drink during this time will turn into 5, a drink outside of this time and the drink won't be finished. 

alcohol is a sedative > makes you tired > makes you think you're sleeping > it's not a 'good' sleep > people with Seasonal Affective Disorder have sleep issues anyways > the two side effects don't mix. 

And that's just the tip of it all.  But the short version of the story is that alcohol, regardless of my self medicating days, is not my friend.  Wine, as much as it's claimed to be 'the nectar of the gods' is NOT a tool in my SAD sack.    

It is weakness, it is surrendering, it is self pity and it is wallowing in my winter misery.  

It is what it is

Just as long as it is only once in a while

The PGX Experiment Part Deux

I think it's working

In fact I am ready to get a couple pom-poms in the the PGX pink and white and become their unsolicited cheerleader.

I'll know for sure, like For Sure-for sure a week from now.

This week, I'm in process of an annual detox for liver and insides. That aforementioned 'lifestyle' was more than likely a little hard on my machine, so I figure as I creep towards middle age I should be kind enough to repay it with some pampering every now and then.  No better time than after the seasonal brew-ha-ha.

As not to overload a detoxing system, I eased up on a few of the daily vitamins, and have dropped the PGX completely
(See PGX experiment part one)
Well holy moly, sistas and brothas of the SAD sect, those carb cravings are back, and back with a vengeance. Snuck up on me they did. A couple handful of natchos and dip, a toasted english muffin, some popcorn, another couple handfuls of natchos, some cereal and some crackers and still wanted MORE. It occurred not only was I grazing, but grazing from a field of wheat and corn.

  Ruh-oh *carb alarm, carb alarm , reewoo reewoo*

The good news - I haven't had the unconscious grazing until now.

I stopped the PGX on January 1.

  3 days ago.  

Coincidence

I think not. 

Unfortunately any observations after today (the point of awareness) are all null and void as there may be an intellectual bias involved.   But I will finish the detox without the PGX and be super conscience of all my carbohydrate intake.   (I have yet to explain the devil details of carbs and Seasonal Affective.)

I'll let you know what happens this week but I can tell you on Sunday morning coming I will be thrilled to get back on the PGX train.

Wish me luck.

No Better Day for the Greatest Speech Ever

It seemed important to post this today.