So the stoopid thought creeped in today - THE THOUGHT - the one that whispers 'it's easier if you don't wake up'. I hate that thought. I hate looking at it. I hate seeing it's existence and hate even more knowing it's not the real me conjuring up those words. Its the damnedest thing to explain and man to I feel sorry for those that hear that thought and act on it. It's a mind trick. It's a glitch in the control panel.
A captain who knows his ship, has complete and utmost faith in what it can do, regardless of what the engineer says. Winter is my glass half empty engineer.
I also had a moment today where i felt like me, it was fantastic. Oh Ya. That's me right there in the moment loving the day as it is, cool, damp, melting and dark but it was exhilarating. It was also at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Fack. I'm at the balancing point and need to stop depleting the reserves of the D.
I promise to explain this later - - i know the phsyiological things going on - but right now. I want another glass of wine and a surfer movie on tv.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
no better day than today
Four days after Christmas and a week after Winter Solstice - sweet mercy - I made it.
I made it through the pesky hustle and bustle, the shortest day of the year, an unexpected holiday in the hospital and I did it all while single. Solo. Sans relationship. And having one full blown,
could-the-outlook-be-any-more-negative SAD attack. Good times I tell ya, good times. Someone, besides me, be proud, cause this shit does not get easier the older I get. The tools get better, the signs get clearer, but damn, it still sucks when I'm at the bottom of that dry well. Though I suppose the well could have water in it, and then I may really be in trouble...
So, with that said, and a lingering 2010 'mission' on my to do list, today is the day that I begin the effort. To document this annoying affliction in both good times and in bad, to help educate others in all the lovely little nuances of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and to share with sufferers my arsenal of tips, tricks and taunts to keep the Miserable Beast at bay.
By chronicling my 'crazy' and enlightening other SAD victims to their own two plane thinking (or as Deepak would say..."observing your own thoughts") maybe we can make some headspace for the half-full glass. At the very least, I am sure there will be laugh out loud moments; good for any season. -
I made it through the pesky hustle and bustle, the shortest day of the year, an unexpected holiday in the hospital and I did it all while single. Solo. Sans relationship. And having one full blown,
could-the-outlook-be-any-more-negative SAD attack. Good times I tell ya, good times. Someone, besides me, be proud, cause this shit does not get easier the older I get. The tools get better, the signs get clearer, but damn, it still sucks when I'm at the bottom of that dry well. Though I suppose the well could have water in it, and then I may really be in trouble...
So, with that said, and a lingering 2010 'mission' on my to do list, today is the day that I begin the effort. To document this annoying affliction in both good times and in bad, to help educate others in all the lovely little nuances of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and to share with sufferers my arsenal of tips, tricks and taunts to keep the Miserable Beast at bay.
By chronicling my 'crazy' and enlightening other SAD victims to their own two plane thinking (or as Deepak would say..."observing your own thoughts") maybe we can make some headspace for the half-full glass. At the very least, I am sure there will be laugh out loud moments; good for any season. -
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