O Demon Alcohol

On more than one occasion I have referred to 'self medicating on the couch'. For those of you that can't read between the lines and all the references to wine, let me be a little more clear. 

I drown my seasonal sorrows, 

I saddle up to my friend called Vino,

I embrace my old habits and give (dive) into a bottle of preferred Pinot Grigio. 

Yup.  I do. 

Sometimes it is the only thing that makes the miserable blahness go away.   And I don't care what anyone else thinks, they are not the ones observing the thought that screams across my brain that suggests driving into a post is a good idea.  (I observe these thoughts, I don't act on them, but they are disturbing nonetheless) 

I know that alcohol is a depressant and counter productive to my mindset. I know.  

I know that one bottle a week is not in the dangerous levels of 'self help'

I know that the bottle EVERY night of the week is  dangerous and thank goodness those 'self help' days are over, they were dark!

The gloomy truth that I have been afraid to admit to many, is that when I first came back to my Canadian home, after spending many years in a winterless sub-tropical climate, the SAD gripped me hard. VERY hard. It was a bad scene in my head and I turned into a self-medicating mess.  Awesome.  (yup, sarcasm) The scary part is, I must have hid it pretty well, or no one actually cared, because I think if they would have known, it would have been an intervention for sure.

Man, that seems like a long time ago. Regardless of the extra weight all that alcohol caused (that I can't get rid of) I am still pretty happy to have survived it. Seriously.  It has lead me to do the occasional research on the co-relation between SAD, alcohol, Vitamin D, and other external factors, and I have found an interesting thread between it all, or maybe not a thread, maybe more 

like a vicious antagonizing chain reaction.   

Things like this:

Seasonal Affective Disorder and alcohol appear to go hand in hand (duh! it took a team of scientists to figure that out?) 

PMS gets worse in the winter for SAD sufferers > really bad PMS can trigger alcohol CRAVINGS > alcohol processing depletes your machine of important vitamins including Vitamin D > low vitamin D may increase feelings of depression 

alcohol processing can and often stimulate the desire for carbs and fatty foods > carbs and the alcohol mess with your blood sugar > blood sugar fluctuations can affect mood >  SAD(ists) do NOT need any more 'help' with mood fluctuations > carbs > blood sugar > mood > alcohol and so on

there is this weird 'window' when alcohol cravings are at a peak > a drink during this time will turn into 5, a drink outside of this time and the drink won't be finished. 

alcohol is a sedative > makes you tired > makes you think you're sleeping > it's not a 'good' sleep > people with Seasonal Affective Disorder have sleep issues anyways > the two side effects don't mix. 

And that's just the tip of it all.  But the short version of the story is that alcohol, regardless of my self medicating days, is not my friend.  Wine, as much as it's claimed to be 'the nectar of the gods' is NOT a tool in my SAD sack.    

It is weakness, it is surrendering, it is self pity and it is wallowing in my winter misery.  

It is what it is

Just as long as it is only once in a while

Not another New Year's Resolution

Remember me telling you I spent years in the bar and restaurant industry?  Decades actually.  For those of you that don't already know it.

New Year's Eve is a joke

A cash grab of high expectations, over marketing, over pricing, incredible inconvenience and undue pressure on any and all involved.  Trust me, I was one of the ones that built the parties and created the hype that made you think you needed a new dress, hair done, a date AND a two or three hundred dollar ticket to ring in the new year.

And then! Everyone makes resolutions that considering the time of year and the last two weeks of indulgence makes them very hard to keep. The concept is not built to be effective and often results in feelings of failure when one doesn't succeed. All things that do not make NYE a friend to those with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Ugh, this wasn't meant to be a rant about New Years. 

This was meant to be 'If you INSIST on making a resolution, make this one' speech. 

Start a gratitude journal.
Start today.

Keep it by your bed or by the coffee maker or in the bathroom.
Just start one and write in it.
Do it, because I said so.

Wanna know why?

Because I think it's the best psychological  tool I have in my SAD sack. Swear.
I started mine a couple summers ago, (I know, that's not new years, sue me) when there was no sight of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the glass is always half full.  Gratitude could flow from me and it's easy to appreciate my charmed life.

The best part of my gratitude journal is reading it when I'm in a SAD funk. When I hate my life and the world I live in and wish that I don't wake up in the morning (I'm not exaggerating, there really are days like this)
The journal reminds me of the 'other' me. The real me. It is the light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not the proverbial train)  In I was reading it this morning, and found an entry from last February.

"I am grateful that I took the time in days past to make all these observances of a wonderful world. The me of today thanks the me of yesterday very, very much"  Pretty sweet eh?

That's it. A little book, with all your happy thoughts.
Not another resolution - a way of life. (no pun intended, but I'll take it)

All the best to you and yours in 2012

All I want to wear is Black

Not kidding.
Just black.
Maybe a few things of dark grey-blue.
But mostly black.
I have one black wool sweater I want to wear every day.
I could.
I would be okay with it.
It looks awful on me, but I don't care.
It's warm and black and warm and too big.
There's a note from Happy me to Miserable me that reminds me to wear colour.
Shut up Happy me.
Exhale.
Where is that purple hoodie?

The Vitamin D Dictate

This is a pretty big subject, and I know I'm not going to be able to share all perspectives and research. Nor do I claim to be a nutritionist, doctor or homeopath. What I will do is share with you my own research, my observations and the results from experimenting with my machine.

So let's start with some basics.

One of the lovely (sarcasm) attributes of SAD is depression.
Those affected by SAD tend to have the low (depressive) cycle in the winter.
Winter tends to be when most people tend to stay indoors. (because it's cold, often gloomy AND if your depressed one REALLY doesn't want to go out...anywhere)
Vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, has be shown to have a relationship with depression.


Years ago (5 to be exact) a friend whose father is very, very smart on all things animal, vegetable and mineral suggested that I start taking Vitamin D in the winter.  "It'll help", he said.
So I did.  and it does, says I.

Now this is where I may get some flack but I'll explain what I know to be true  - and try and provide links for my reasoning.

I take anywhere between 4000 and 5000IU of Vitamin D  a day. Yup per day.

RDA is 600IU for anyone 9 years or older.  The Upper Limit is 4000IU per day

Age	Daily Vitamin D, in IUs
	AI	EAR	RDA	UL
0-6 Mths	400	-	-	1000
6-12 Mths	400	-	-	1500
1-3 Yrs	-	400	600	2500
4-8 Yrs	-	400	600	3000
9-69 Yrs	-	400	600	4000
> 70 Yrs	-	400	800	4000

Canada and therefore those who live here doesn't actually get enough winter 'sunlight' days to produce even the RDA of Vitamin D - so a regular supplement is advised.  

And the short version of my story for today is that it seems you can't have too much. Well, it would take A LOT (10,000IU+) to have too much. So I take the Upper limit and sometimes even a little more pending what my social habits have been up to (aka drinking) as it appears alcohol consumption actually pulls Vitamin D out of your system in order to be metabolized.  (This is an important bit of information that I'll get back to)  I should mention, that I did notice a weird feelings in my eyes/eyelids when I took more than 6000IU 3 or 4 days in a row, but the weird eye stuff went away as soon as returned to 4000IU. *shrugs* could be coincidence but I doubt it.

Needless to say as soon as I get those aforementioned mushroom cravings - I start taking my Vitamin D, religiously.
It helps.
A lot.
Lives and friendships have been saved because of it.
And I notice a big difference when I don't take it.

Not to mention Vitamin D seems to have all kinds of extra advantages!

See what Dr Oz, has to say.

and... here we go again.

To get this blog up to 2011 speed - lets do a quick recap. Last year this time, I was in the first month of my dream job, since then...dream job not so dreamy, was a big ol mess actually.

 By June I parted ways, for an unexpected, awesome opportunity in beautiful Muskoka. Now I sit in the opportunity's office and watch the seasons first real snowfall accumulate.
And ya know, it's kinda pretty. There's more green and less brown making it almost a welcome visual.

Of course I did just finish an hour and a half work out so I may be viewing the world through endorphin ramped optics but I'll take it. Any sort of glass half full is a a good half full.

I was a little lazy getting my routine organized this year and had myself convinced as I sometimes do, that I can ignore my known 'winter rules' and just keep on rolling.

 It back fired.
 I crashed.

And was in midst of a spiral when by the luck of mother nature we got a couple unseasonably nice days which snapped me out of it.

Now, no bread, few carbs, easy on the alcohol, exercise, light therapy, vitamin D, B complex, and tanning. Oh and to bed early  and up early.  I know it sounds like a diet to loose weight...but that's not it.

However weight loss is an great side effect and considering my aforementioned crash added 10lbs, I will take any dropped pound in my favour.

I am just trying to keep myself from  loathing my existence...as it's just such a great way to spend your winter (sarcasm)

I'm very grateful for that warm spell, it motivated me into action. I had meatballs and sauce for lunch, a hour on the bike and 4000iu of VitD - strange things to be happy about,  but because of those things

 - today is pretty.

The first snowfall is NOT a death sentence