Step into my miserable mind and my relationship with SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's educational, sometimes it's downright depressing. but maybe, just maybe I can help someone else.
I liked the ring to it. It rolled off the tongue. It got the point across until I realized. No, no it didn't.
Oh I could chime off the cliche 'according to Webster' gobblely gook definition crapola, but I've already got you analyzing the word, the post title and you have put 2 and 2 together to realize society has been using the word incorrectly. This could start another rant but who has the energy.
If you hadn't put two and two together...well move along. I'm not in the mood for stupid people.
Irregardless...
(nails on chalk board)
That said, the word is UNSocial.
I am UNSocial.
Between November and March.
UN Social
Alter-Ego.
My Unsocial alter ego.
Grammatically correct, but missing pizzazz
The world didn't end, my favorite day has come and gone, the days are getting longer and I have a little faith that I will make it through another miserable season.
There's been no working out. Vitamins have been hit and miss. Bread is still not on my list of things to eat but all in all it's been a bitch of a winter. Today's mental wanderings are dark and brooding. I couldn't event call myself sad. Anxious, pitiful, morose and I wonder why I'm put on this planet.
But if you look at me, I'll smile at you, crack a joke and have a pleasant conversation with you. All is well on the outside.
Until you look closer. Under the makeup there are dark shadows under my eyes, my skin is dry and depressed, and the eye...ya, that's not a real sparkle, that's the eyeliner aggravating my allergies and making them *shine*
I have the luxury of working from home when I want.
My co-workers also have the luxury of me working from home when I should.
SAD can make me a little (ahem) grouchy.
Yesterday I was diligently plugging away at my to do list when I felt the anxiety start to creep in.
SAD can also make me a little (ahem) anxious*
I ignored it as long as I could and then the next thing you know, I'm outta my chair, I'm looking at all the storage containers in the kitchen cupboard. "Oh ya, there is WAY too much of that!" me thinks. So I purge and pare down, into a box it goes.
Realizing I'm supposed to be working...I plunk myself back down to get some stuff done.
Next thing I know I'm looking at all the books the bookshelf, "Oh, for pete's sake, if I haven't read this by now...and what the hell am I keeping this for?" Dozens of books are boxed.
Again, back to my desk, where I think I'm working until I realize I'm sorting through my 'hold all' bowls and launching things (probably important) into the garbage.
Work was not going to happen. So I surrendered.
The Pantry - "why do I keep this pot/pan/cookie sheet?"
The stacks of magazines - casualty
The extending shoe rack - gone
The back door mats - tossed
The extra, extra spare linens - bye bye
Kitchen drawers, bathroom cabinet, dresser drawers and living room hiding spots all filtered and purged.
A pair of bedside tables, mongo serving dishes, hats, slippers, clothes and candlesticks -
All boxed and bagged up and sent to new homes.
I left the house when my nutjob-self starting eyeing up my most awesome shoe collection
Not today Crazy Lady,
not today.
*often, my cure for this anxiety is to get rid of clutter or visual mess. the good news hoarding will never be an issue.
There's a lot of shit information out there about SAD. Like a LOT.
Tis the time of year that Seasonal Affective Disorder gets attention in the media and ding-dong journalists fill their required space with malarky, half-truths and every once and a while a few correct facts will make it through the cracks.
Hmm - - that's not where I thought this post was going - but what the heck - lets run with it.
SAD is not a mood. It's not a 'snap out of it' situation.
There are times when I want to pummel those that are just trying to help with their cheery advice. For the record. a fucking pedicure does not make everything better! Your toes are prettier (which is always good) but your head is still all fuct up.
Holiday blues, seasonal blues and winter blues are not the same effin thing.
SAD is full blown depression. An annual depression that you can almost date on the calendar in other words it's like being tied to the damn tracks and you can see the train a comin'.
Though I personally don't like, like, really don't like, being cold,
cold temperatures are not a cause of SAD.
It's the lack of light. In my case, thinking the cold was a depression factor, I even moved countries to try and escape it. And one gloomy subtropical winter and low and behold SAD symptoms appeared (granted it was short lived *sigh* I miss flowers in February).
It's not new, it's not a fad
and it's not a cake walk - It got a name in the early 80's but it's been observed medically for at least 100years.
It is not a whiney woman thing.
And I'll boy-punch anyone who says so. It does seem to affect more women then men BUT - I THINK there are two reasons for this One, women tend to admit how their feeling and Two we are the lucky recipients of PMS - which thanks to SAD tends to get worse in the winter and therefore more pronounced symptoms and side effects (sounds great doesn't it) My Dad has Seasonal Affective Disorder. He hates to admit it and would be pissed at me for saying so, but I know it when I see it, and I grew up in the house.... (at this point you should feel sorry, very sorry, for my mother with 2 miserable winterists in the house - Christmas was/is a joyride)
For those of you who think it's nothing to worry about - - if you have ever observed your own thoughts, or experienced the 'where did that come from' mental aftershocks, when a concept of "drive into that pole and it all goes away" goes screaming through your thoughts - then you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, well... you are just going to have to trust me,
it's disturbing, unpleasant and shakes your foundations
Regardless of how cognizant you are of your sub-conscience actions, it is unsettling to have your brain be the aforementioned runaway train that suggests ending it all. (This is where my extreme empathy kicks in for those with bipolar and extended depression issues)
Ok I think I exhausted myself.
I haven't got the steam to continue ranting about the stupidity of the media and half-ass journalists. How about I just round it out to a check your fucking facts people.
I have some pretty kick ass friends. Many have been in my life for close to twenty years.
I am lucky and I know it.
There are times where not only do I know I'm a handful - but I often wonder WHY they put up with me.
One of my Besties has a birthday in January.
Actually in a couple days from writing this.
She lives two hours away in this great town, with a great family and a great house that is always welcoming, full of laughter, friends, food and fun. I love being there and would stay forever if I could.
Unfortunately *sigh* I am always a mental mess for her birthday. Always. I hate it.
I feel like such a loser-asshole-waste of skin when I can't muster enough energy, emotion and effort to get in my damn car and visit her and all her wonderfulness.
I bailed out of her 40th birthday. (Oh trust me, I know I'm an asshole)
My head couldn't do the drive, the party, the people, the whole shooting match.
I just. Couldn't. Do it.
People don't understand this.
I've tried to explain. At length. They just don't get it.
So I blamed by bailing on lack of funds. (this was true, just not the whole truth)
She text me yesterday and asked if I was coming to visit this weekend.
Every seasonally defected ounce of me wanted to find an excuse, make a date with my couch and let the chips fall where they may.
I told you, (sometimes) it sucks to be friends with me.
On more than one occasion I have referred to 'self medicating on the couch'. For those of you that can't read between the lines and all the references to wine, let me be a little more clear.
I drown my seasonal sorrows,
I saddle up to my friend called Vino,
I embrace my old habits and give (dive) into a bottle of preferred Pinot Grigio.
Yup. I do.
Sometimes it is the only thing that makes the miserable blahness go away. And I don't care what anyone else thinks, they are not the ones observing the thought that screams across my brain that suggests driving into a post is a good idea. (I observe these thoughts, I don't act on them, but they are disturbing nonetheless)
I know that alcohol is a depressant and counter productive to my mindset. I know.
I know that one bottle a week is not in the dangerous levels of 'self help'
I know that the bottle EVERY night of the week is dangerous and thank goodness those 'self help' days are over, they were dark!
The gloomy truth that I have been afraid to admit to many, is that when I first came back to my Canadian home, after spending many years in a winterless sub-tropical climate, the SAD gripped me hard. VERY hard. It was a bad scene in my head and I turned into a self-medicating mess. Awesome. (yup, sarcasm) The scary part is, I must have hid it pretty well, or no one actually cared, because I think if they would have known, it would have been an intervention for sure.
Man, that seems like a long time ago. Regardless of the extra weight all that alcohol caused (that I can't get rid of) I am still pretty happy to have survived it. Seriously. It has lead me to do the occasional research on the co-relation between SAD, alcohol, Vitamin D, and other external factors, and I have found an interesting thread between it all, or maybe not a thread, maybe more
like a vicious antagonizing chain reaction.
Things like this:
Seasonal Affective Disorder and alcohol appear to go hand in hand (duh! it took a team of scientists to figure that out?)
PMS gets worse in the winter for SAD sufferers > really bad PMS can trigger alcohol CRAVINGS > alcohol processing depletes your machine of important vitamins including Vitamin D > low vitamin D may increase feelings of depression
alcohol processing can and often stimulate the desire for carbs and fatty foods > carbs and the alcohol mess with your blood sugar > blood sugar fluctuations can affect mood > SAD(ists) do NOT need any more 'help' with mood fluctuations > carbs > blood sugar > mood > alcohol and so on
there is this weird 'window' when alcohol cravings are at a peak > a drink during this time will turn into 5, a drink outside of this time and the drink won't be finished.
alcohol is a sedative > makes you tired > makes you think you're sleeping > it's not a 'good' sleep > people with Seasonal Affective Disorder have sleep issues anyways > the two side effects don't mix.
And that's just the tip of it all. But the short version of the story is that alcohol, regardless of my self medicating days, is not my friend. Wine, as much as it's claimed to be 'the nectar of the gods' is NOT a tool in my SAD sack.
It is weakness, it is surrendering, it is self pity and it is wallowing in my winter misery.
In fact I am ready to get a couple pom-poms in the the PGX pink and white and become their unsolicited cheerleader.
I'll know for sure, like For Sure-for sure a week from now.
This week, I'm in process of an annual detox for liver and insides. That aforementioned 'lifestyle' was more than likely a little hard on my machine, so I figure as I creep towards middle age I should be kind enough to repay it with some pampering every now and then. No better time than after the seasonal brew-ha-ha.
As not to overload a detoxing system, I eased up on a few of the daily vitamins, and have dropped thePGXcompletely
(See PGX experiment part one)
Well holy moly, sistas and brothas of the SAD sect, those carb cravings are back, and back with a vengeance. Snuck up on me they did. A couple handful of natchos and dip, a toasted english muffin, some popcorn, another couple handfuls of natchos, some cereal and some crackers and still wanted MORE. It occurred not only was I grazing, but grazing from a field of wheat and corn.
Ruh-oh *carb alarm, carb alarm , reewoo reewoo*
The good news - I haven't had the unconscious grazing until now.
I stopped the PGX on January 1.
3 days ago.
Coincidence
I think not.
Unfortunately any observations after today (the point of awareness) are all null and void as there may be an intellectual bias involved. But I will finish the detox without the PGX and be super conscience of all my carbohydrate intake. (I have yet to explain the devil details of carbs and Seasonal Affective.)
I'll let you know what happens this week but I can tell you on Sunday morning coming I will be thrilled to get back on the PGX train.
Remember me telling you I spent years in the bar and restaurant industry? Decades actually. For those of you that don't already know it.
New Year's Eve is a joke
A cash grab of high expectations, over marketing, over pricing, incredible inconvenience and undue pressure on any and all involved. Trust me, I was one of the ones that built the parties and created the hype that made you think you needed a new dress, hair done, a date AND a two or three hundred dollar ticket to ring in the new year.
And then! Everyone makes resolutions that considering the time of year and the last two weeks of indulgence makes them very hard to keep. The concept is not built to be effective and often results in feelings of failure when one doesn't succeed. All things that do not make NYE a friend to those with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Ugh, this wasn't meant to be a rant about New Years.
This was meant to be 'If you INSIST on making a resolution, make this one' speech.
Start a gratitude journal.
Start today.
Keep it by your bed or by the coffee maker or in the bathroom.
Just start one and write in it.
Do it, because I said so.
Wanna know why?
Because I think it's the best psychological tool I have in my SAD sack. Swear.
I started mine a couple summers ago, (I know, that's not new years, sue me) when there was no sight of Seasonal Affective Disorder and the glass is always half full. Gratitude could flow from me and it's easy to appreciate my charmed life.
The best part of my gratitude journal is reading it when I'm in a SAD funk. When I hate my life and the world I live in and wish that I don't wake up in the morning (I'm not exaggerating, there really are days like this)
The journal reminds me of the 'other' me. The real me. It is the light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not the proverbial train) In I was reading it this morning, and found an entry from last February.
"I am grateful that I took the time in days past to make all these observances of a wonderful world. The me of today thanks the me of yesterday very, very much" Pretty sweet eh?
That's it. A little book, with all your happy thoughts.
Not another resolution - a way of life. (no pun intended, but I'll take it)
While yammering on the phone with my Bestie yesterday...hmm let me rephrase that.
While on the phone with my Bestie yesterday and bitching about this, that and everything else.
Two things happened.
1) I realized I was well into a downward spiral
and
2) It appears I am very funny while in that (this) place, as she puts it "you should have your own radio show when you're moodin' like this."
Awesome. *shaking head*
The phrase "can't win for loosin" screams across my thoughts.
I haven't worked out over a week.
8 days actually.
8 fucking days.
I'm an idiot.
I know, I know. I talk a good game, but the fucking holidays and traveling, and house guests and and and excuse excuse excuse.
Then it snowed and dropped to -16C UGH
The glass is half empty, everyone is either stupid or an asshole or a stupid asshole, nothing is reasonable and my poor Dood just doesn't know what to do. I'm days away from a crash and burn, self medicating mess on the couch. (and NO I am NOT p.m.s.ing)
*shaking head* 8 fucking days - I really am an idiot sometimes. *exhale*
The good news is, that even after my fair share of last nights bottle of wine, there was 50 minutes of cardio this morning and if I get another 45-50 in later today, maybe I can nip this in the bud.
And if I can't, anyone know how to get into radio?
Miserable ugh-i-hate-my-life-when-is-something-good-going-to-happen-to-me kind of depression. And if you think relaxing with a glass of wine, watching a sappy movie is 'comforting' think again. Double whammy depression between movie and wine...in fact don't be surprised if you finish the bottle and cry yourself to sleep.
I avoid 'romantic comedies' as I would a close-talker with bad breath.
Surfer movies is where it's at
(and/or movies filmed in Hawaii, or tropics or heck anywhere where it's green,blue & warm)
It's true.
I said so.
Trade in that unattainable plot of sappy chick flick for a 'you can do it, look how awesome nature is, lookit those negative ions, all that sun, sand and blue sky movie.
Sounds much better already doesn't it?
I figure (read: logically deduce) that there is something going on with the visuals that trigger some sort of happiness hormone(?) in my noggin'. Or, perhaps, just the visual reminder that there is sunshine in the world, it's just not 'here'. I'm pretty sure that the plot has little to do with it as I find I'm watching the scenery as opposed to actually getting into the movie.
I know - this provides the room for argument that a chick flick set in hawaii will work mood magic...but...I highly doubt it. I won't be the one to do the experiment. Feel free and let me know how it goes.
I have a small library of go-to movies that fit the feel-better need. I invite you, fellow SAD sufferer (SADufer?) to try one or two on for size. At the very least, you will discover great places to vacation.
Try and tell me you don't feel better after watching this!
More -
Blue Crush (1&2) Flow - The Story of a Surfing Revolution Five Summer Stories and of course Endless Summer
others with great tropic scenery..
(i know, some edge on chick flick, but I argue a predominate male lead, negates the chickness)
50 First Dates Tropic Thunder Forgetting Sarah Marshall The Beach Finding Nemo
A little bit of personal background on me.
I'm fascinated with human machine. It's design, it's use, its commonalities and differences. It's natural mutations, for both perceived 'good' and 'bad'. The maintenance of the machine and its control panel (body and brain) are all in my realm of knowledge. In fact at one point, I was a certified fitness instructor and I am still a bona fide geek.
I am a font of useful physiological information.
I am also somewhat lazy.
I am the proud owner of a metabolism that runs like molasses in January AND I suffer from SAD - so though I'm smart enough to know what the machine needs, the control panel often overrides and self medicating on the couch is not an uncommon event during the winter months.
Ugh - It's enough to make me hate myself (or at least my machine) during the dismal days of effin winter.
(I did at one point 'run-away' from winter to a sub-tropical isle, but that's another story, and we'll get to that sooner or later)
So, with that said.
A lot of things I've got in my SAD Sack-o-tools are results of experiments conducted by me, to my machine, by deducing similarities in physiological results and reactions either due to Seasonal Affective Disorder, depression, emotional changes, physical side effects of diet, supplements and external factors.
I also am NOT a fan of popping a pharmaceutical 'solution' - I believe that in many cases they cause more harm than good. (In a winter of desperation, I did try a little helper by the name of Prozac. It was not my friend, it did not help and we can talk about that later)
Now, back on point.
This winter has a new experiment, that seems to be going quite well. I need to do more research and actually need to follow through until March, but so far, so good.
While pedaling my way to endorphin happiness I spied fitness guru Kathy Smith (love her) on Breakfast Television talking about her book and various other things. She simply mentioned PGX. I Googled.
Turned out that PGX as a weight management supplement could and should (in my opinion) help with some of the seasonal side effects from SAD. The carb craving, desire to over eat, sugar imbalances and thus mood imbalances, could all be helped by PGX. I read on, there were no stimulants, it was high in fibre, invented in Canada (this meant a lot to me), and all in all had few side effects and regardless if it produced weightloss, In my opinion should help with my SAD.
So, I bought some.
I am pretty sure it's working. I sure don't seem to have the mood highs and lows (GI fluctuation, carb binging, sugar spike shitness of winter). In fact, my internal demon which repeats "I want bread, I want potatoes" is silent. Honest.
It could be placebo effect,
But I don't think so.
The machine is behaving differently
Control panel diagnostics say so
My experiment will continue, I'll keep you posted.
I'm also going to contact PGX to see what they know.
Now for the record. I am NOT taking PGX with hopes of weight loss. I AM taking PGX to see if I can avoid the usual weight gain that comes with my ESS.AYE.DEE.
I wish Christmas was in the summer. For real. It would make more sense, after all Jesus was born in July or something like that. I understand the want to celebrate and gather during the short days and the long standing traditions of winter solstice (I'm not gearing up for a theological discussion, in fact it's the LAST thing I want to discuss)
But it would be awesome for me if Christmas was in July.
The gatherings of friends and family kick crap out of me, the SAD seems to suck 3 times as much energy just to be social, let alone entertaining. inquisitive and um.. nice.
It would be straight truth for me to say, I would rather stay home and putter than force myself to these gatherings. If friends or family read this, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. It's not about you.
Regardless, I muster the momentum and follow the smell of turkey and remind myself of the 'rules' the whole way there.
For you, fellow sufferer, et me recap.
Alcohol this time of year is BAD - have very little - (a glass with dinner should suffice)
Mash potatoes, buns, stuffing - BAD - have little to none, (I ALWAYS cave with the stuffing and gravy, but hey, it's stuffing and gravy)
Sweet treats - ya, those are BAD too - just starts the sugar/mood coaster.
(In theory PGX should help all this 'wrong' intake, but I'm not ready to experiment with the machine this year, I don`t feel like using the hard way to finding out where the limits exist)
Bed Early - a few late nights can really, really wrench the system, so careful. Tying to pull yourself out of the funk in January is a true bitch of a job
Take your vitamins - simple rule, just follow it
Exercise - I know, I know, hard to do when away from home and with many gyms being closed, but get creative. (I find this to always be the hardest to accomplish and will admit, my batting average is very, very low) I try to be sure and meditate instead - meditate on a visual of a tropical beach with the sun and the sand. *shrugs* it works.
I've got an arsenal of vitamins and supplements in my
SAD Sack-o-tools
The ever so precious Vitamin D B complex (mood adjuster)
An awesome multi-vitamin Fish oil (cause it's good for me, and you) Milk Thistle(for the 'self medicating' days) Glucosamine with MSM (this I try and take all year, that could explain the absence of joint issues)
This winter I'm trying something new. I added PGXto the mix to see if I can keep the carb and 'always hungries' away. So yes, another experiment with 'the machine' I'll fill you in in a post or two. (so far, so good!!)
3 of the first, 1 of the second, 2 of the third and forth, 2 Gluco and now 2 or 3 PGX (3x a day) and then a milk thistle or two if needed.
This morning - as I type this - I'm looking at 11 pills to be taken in the very near future.
And though I know they're good for me and they do wonders for my state of mind
I am always a little trepidatious.
There is always the chance of the dreaded Vitamin Burps and then every once in a while there is total vitamin revolt.
Vitamin Barf happens
Yesterday, there was Vitamin Barf - MMMMM awesome. So for those of you who have never experienced this, let me share. Often with such a large selection of vitamins there will be a couple or three vitamin burps, a lovely kickback that smells and tastes like ick, but it's par for the course and seldom creates an issue.
Vitamin barf on the other hand drives me nuts. There's no rhyme or reason. I've systematically repeated conditions to see if I could MAKE it happen and nothing happens. Daily I ensure there is both water and absorbent(s) (aka food) in my belly. And I never take them in one big handful. In theory all systems should be go.
But holy shit - when they want to kick back, one has about 3 breaths to get to some form of receptacle.
First Breath "hmm something doesn't feel right in there"
Second Breath "just breathe deep, it will pass"
Third Breath "ruh-oh there's that 'mouth' feeling"
By now - I'm on the move
and out it comes.
The crappiest part. Looking in the bowl and thinking, 'goddam, I have to take ALL those again'. *sigh*
I do suppose there is good news, I've never had a case of the double barf....
(now see that: if it wasn't for the SAD sack-o-tools - that last sentence would not exist - there would only be the 'glass half empty version and the world would be ending)
With a long history of working in restaurants, bars and nightclubs I developed, not surprisingly, the habits of a night owl. In hindsight, (that's always 20/20 ya know) I think living that night life may have kept some of my SAD symptoms at bay. By living and working a fast paced life in the dinner and club hours, my machine may not have known the days were dreary and dark, and when the long nights were at their peak, I was smack dab in the middle of the busy season, holiday parties, huge reservations and the ever popular, New Years Eve.
I was also probably (ahem) unknowingly self-medicating with alcohol under the guise of the holiday spirit.
Alas
Those night owl days are no longer.
And those hours, without the lifestyle, do not do anyone with SAD any favours. In other words, being a nightowl with a couple to three drinks every night does not a grown up make.
It was by luck that I discovered the early to bed rule.
A work/life obstacle necessitated me to rise at 5 - 5:30 for a couple weeks to get all chores crossed off the list...well low and behold if I didn't actually feel better, less tired (same amount of sleep) better mood (like NOT wanting to put a bullet in my head) and fewer carb cravings, and the only thing different in my routine/regimen/religion was my sleep time. Bed by 9 - 9:30 and up EARLY (4 -4:30 was common)
So
I stuck with it. Until April-ish and then resumed my usual nighthawkish ways.
The next year (2010) I implemented the early bed - early rise schedule at the end of October. And wouldn't you know the doom n gloom demon stayed away. Sing it with me - - "Awe-some"
(until my whole routine fell apart in late January, then, so did I...but that was last year. Never backwards, always forwards)
This winter the rule is in effect, and I do notice if I sway too much away from it then I start feeling lousy (read: I hate my life) and quickly get back on track.
I've been trying to find some scientific research that helps explain/reason this Tool in my SAD Sack - but nothing has surfaced as of yet. Instinct says I'm playing a trick on my brain by bookending the short days with night - but there are flaws in the theory -
If I come across some hard proof, I'll be sure to share the link, but for now...perhaps just give it a try for a couple weeks and let me know what you think.
There's not many things that I can get excited about during this time of year.
I always feel so lousy for Christmas and New Years that spending the holidays on my couch, watching surfer movies and surrendering to the un-social side of SAD would be my preference. However, friends and family tend to not entertain this (my) holiday 'tude, and insist I make appearances regardless of my mood. Making me sometimes wonder if they're all slightly masochistic.
Regardless.
I do get excited about today.
Today is MY Christmas
Today is MY New Year's Eve
Today
is the shortest day of the year.
Meaning -
Tomorrow the days start getting longer.
*exhale*
Awesome.(zero sarcasm)
Today I will walk around with a Mona Lisa smile and know that I made it this far and therefore I can make it the rest of the way out of this winter.
Lazy, lethargic, miserable, apathetic, unsocial, passionless and just plain old blechity-bleck-blah.
No desire to work, play or otherwise.
It's an awesome existence, and for those of you who missed it, that - was complete sarcasm.
If someone told me I could pick one, and just one, of the tools in my SAD sack, Cardio would be it.
Vitamin D is a god-send and it's hard to imagine winter without it, BUT, a winter without any form of cardio would literally be hell-froze over.
Remember all those 'lovely attributes' of Seasonal Affective Disorder, well, I've found that one of the best prescriptions against said attributes, is cardio. And not a leisurely stroll on a treadmill, I'm talkin bout 40-60 minutes of working it and SWEATING - - Every Day. Yup, every single day.
Now I understand that this could pertain to just me, but I have a feeling it will ring true with more than one of my fellow sufferers. If routine and patterns are my winter friend, then taking a break for a day or two from the cardio, just starts a crap shoot as to what the next day will unfold. So, I chose not to gamble with my sanity and simply find the time (heck who wants to go outside anyways) to work out for at least an hour. One of the biggest benefits to this chore is the endorphin rush. (insert angels singing) - it kicks the miserable 'tude, the dark and gloomy thoughts, and malaise to the curb and literally lets life shine through.
I know an hour may seem like much to some, but I tried 20 minutes everyday and it didn't work. I upped it to 30, ya, good, but...that pesky 'darkness' peeked through. 40 minutes seemed to be the magic number, 40 and sweat. Sweat meant my heart rate was up and the endorphin was pumping.
(If I remember correctly, one begins to experience an 'endorphin rush' on average, after 20 minutes of moderate (sweating) exercise) The way I see it, the 20minutes AFTER my endorphins start, are the magic minutes, so sometimes I get 'greedy' (not the right word) and go for another 10 or 15, but heck it's not hurting anyone.
It keeps the demons at bay.
It combats the fatigue, the pms, the weight gain, the cravings, the depression and for me the dark thoughts. It helps with my productivity, my concentration and my overall health. It IS a Cardio Code.
The hardest part is starting the everyday routine, especially with everything that works against a SADist (err SADite), I try and start in September, work myself up to it, if you know what I mean. If it 3 weeks to form a habit, then with luck I'm ready when the short days and cold weather hits.
(For the record - the key word is TRY. It's usually late when I start and my friends and family have to 'remind' me to get crackin)
Not kidding.
Just black.
Maybe a few things of dark grey-blue.
But mostly black.
I have one black wool sweater I want to wear every day.
I could.
I would be okay with it.
It looks awful on me, but I don't care.
It's warm and black and warm and too big.
There's a note from Happy me to Miserable me that reminds me to wear colour.
Shut up Happy me.
Exhale.
Where is that purple hoodie?
I lost my shit the other day.
Like, lost it.
Angry, throwing stuff, crying, raging, mean words, more throwing stuff and wrapped up with the weary despair that follows one of the lovely winter blow outs.
Awesome.
And the best part.
It was over the fact, that the internet was out.
Honest.
Just the internet.
I know, Psycho.
Even while I was raging the sane part of me was trying to talk the SAD part out of the tree...the rational vs the irrational. This all went down a couple days ago, and now sitting here typing this...I can't even explain how those sessions begin and I really, really, really wish they didn't happen.
I can tell you that, somewhere at the core, it was over routine.
You see, one of my not-so-secrets to dealing with my Seasonal Affective Disorder is getting into a routine and sticking to it.
Up early
Workout
Breakfast
Work
Clean
Chores
TV/Movies/Book
Bed Early
Each of those have their own routine - for example, Breakfast, is always protein, no carbs, pretty much all protein. And a coffee.
So you see, when I do my much needed and winter weapon cardio, I watch tv shows on my iPaddoodle. (yes it has a name) this requires internet. No internet, no tv shows, no shows, no entertainment on the recumbent bike. That's all it took (in my mind) to blow my routine to hell.
And off I went. Like a rocket.
I know, I know, I could have listened to music or saved podcasts or move a tv in there (bless my Dood for being willing to move a very large tv into the gym) but my psycho self was not only in the middle of a rage but also being incredibly difficult. (not one of my endearing qualities)
It ruined my day.
I tried to fill the proverbial glass. But it wasn't happening.
So I did what any self respecting female would do.
I climbed into the bottom of a bottle of wine and went to bed.
The meltdowns are part of SAD, I don't rage in the summer, I just don't. It never occurs to me, I roll with things and find and alternate solution.
I share because it's part of the package, and I don't want anyone to think I've found all the solutions.
I just have tools to help me get through and every now and then I get reminded of how bad it COULD be and how bad it was without my winter routine.
This is a pretty big subject, and I know I'm not going to be able to share all perspectives and research. Nor do I claim to be a nutritionist, doctor or homeopath. What I will do is share with you my own research, my observations and the results from experimenting with my machine.
So let's start with some basics.
One of the lovely (sarcasm) attributes of SAD is depression.
Those affected by SAD tend to have the low (depressive) cycle in the winter.
Winter tends to be when most people tend to stay indoors. (because it's cold, often gloomy AND if your depressed one REALLY doesn't want to go out...anywhere) Vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, has be shown to have a relationship with depression.
Years ago (5 to be exact) a friend whose father is very, very smart on all things animal, vegetable and mineral suggested that I start taking Vitamin D in the winter. "It'll help", he said.
So I did. and it does, says I.
Now this is where I may get some flack but I'll explain what I know to be true - and try and provide links for my reasoning.
I take anywhere between 4000 and 5000IU of Vitamin D a day. Yup per day.
RDA is 600IU for anyone 9 years or older. The Upper Limit is 4000IU per day
Canada and therefore those who live here doesn't actually get enough winter 'sunlight' days to produce even the RDA of Vitamin D - so a regular supplement is advised.
And the short version of my story for today is that it seems you can't have too much. Well, it would take A LOT (10,000IU+) to have too much. So I take the Upper limit and sometimes even a little more pending what my social habits have been up to (aka drinking) as it appears alcohol consumption actually pulls Vitamin D out of your system in order to be metabolized. (This is an important bit of information that I'll get back to) I should mention, that I did notice a weird feelings in my eyes/eyelids when I took more than 6000IU 3 or 4 days in a row, but the weird eye stuff went away as soon as returned to 4000IU. *shrugs* could be coincidence but I doubt it.
Needless to say as soon as I get those aforementioned mushroom cravings - I start taking my Vitamin D, religiously.
It helps.
A lot.
Lives and friendships have been saved because of it.
And I notice a big difference when I don't take it.
